Believing

"Believing is seeing."

This was a post made by a friend on my Facebook friends list. It caught my eye and attention immediately. I've never heard anyone say that before. Sure, I've heard, "Seeing is believing." We all have. I never liked that though... maybe because it always had a slight ring of doubt to it. But this... "believing is seeing"... I like this. It opens up a whole new door...

Open Heart

No matter what happens, where he is sent, or how much time passes, I know in my heart that he's very much here with me.

That's something that I've never experienced until recently...

I've spent the last 30 years growing used to people coming and going, and never growing too attached. I developed an unhealthy attitude that, inevitably, everyone leaves. That idea began haunting me after I woke up one day to realize that some of us are not blessed at birth with loved ones who will always be there. Sometimes, our loved ones are called away, are taken away, or simply just walk away, far too soon. I would be a liar if I said that belief did not hurt me. Like any other human being, I need love too... but I tried to convince myself that I didn't. That is one of my many defensive habits which I am trying to change. With expecting everyone to eventually leave, I, of course, never opened my heart or gave too much of myself.

I had hoped... but I never expected... that someone would come along and teach me differently... that trusting someone and opening your heart to them is not a bad thing.

With opening my heart, I let him inside... and there he stays, even if we are physically apart.

Daydreams

Where does your mind go when it wanders?

At a very young age, I learned to pay attention to my dreams and daydreams, and what they have to say to me and teach me. Most people I know think I'm a flake because of this, but the thing is, for me, it is in what these people simply call daydreams, that I find my intuition, learn, pray, find hope and reason, and hear the call from my heart to follow the correct path.

What are your visions saying to you?

Wings of Hope

In recent days, for every time I whisper a prayer from my heart, you are the reason...

Colors of Hope

I chose to do this after the Fear piece, because I have made my way out of many dark places and found my flowered path again. Aside from facing fears, learning and growing, and will, it was hope and faith that also brought me there. Hope has been key in how far I have come in my life. Even when there were times during which I thought for sure, just for a moment, that there may be no hope... hope, itself, proved me wrong.

One of my favorite quotes:

"You have it in your power to make your days on earth a path of flowers,

instead of a path of thorns."

~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

It's very true.



Facing Fear

Fear is a sickness. It rots and corrupts the spirit, and if allowed, it will blot out all colors of hope. I refuse to give up the color and beauty of hope, and all that I may have to look forward to... all of the hidden blessings that have yet to be revealed.

Fear can be my obstacle... my dark place in the woods which I must get through to get to the brightly lit and flowering path... but I will not allow any dark place to keep me from moving forward. I owe it myself, and to those who I have traveling my path with me (those like my child, my partner, my closest loved ones - whose lives are affected by my choices), to not allow fear to overcome reality. The future is a part of that. If I tuck tail and turn and run back to where I came from, I'm worse off than if I face my fears. This has been a life lesson which has spanned all 30 years of my life. I admit, I've failed it a few times. I will never overcome fear in the sense of never experiencing it again. There is no one human being who can tell me honestly that they have no fear at all, ever. We all feel. Some just control it better than others. It is a part of being human. It's one of the things that we are born with.

Fear is a great teacher, and if we listen carefully to it, it can teach us the skills we need to conquer other life lessons. I have a choice... look willingly and with an open heart to the future, and move forward, to all that I dream of and hope for... or I can keep looking over my shoulder and avoid the challenges because of fear, and never get anywhere at all.

This piece is about my own dark place... where fear is blinding and deafening, but I choose to face it anyway, because I choose to step forward... to take another step through that dark place, to reach the path I'm meant to find.

In Dreams

I had a dream last night... the most amazing and beautiful dream... of hope, and of blessings... and I'm praying that it, and all the wishes that have been spoken, will come true.

Life Lessons

Life lessons... they are everywhere... and they are coming for you.

BUT, they are nothing to fear. I used to feel differently. Much differently. If you knew me 10 years ago, chances are, you still remember when I had a victim mentality. That is something that was learned very young, despite my (what others call) my tough exterior (which is just defense). It took me a long time to learn that lessons are presented to us for just that purpose... learning. If we never learn our lessons, we never gain what we need to move forward. If we resist, the same lessons are presented to us over and over, and things do not improve, until eventually we get a clue. These lessons can be easy... and they can be hard... and they can be downright scary. But without those lessons and the challenges that life throws us, wisdom can not be earned.

"We still share the same sky..."

This piece was actually created about a week ago, for my honey, during one of my "I'm missing you here with me" moments. He's away with the Army right now, and this week especially has had many of those moments.

I am only just now posting an art diary entry about this piece because it's not an easy subject to talk about, except with those who are extremely close. It takes a lot of strength to remain positive and supportive, encouraging and loving, when inside you really feel helpless to comfort the one who has your heart. Love is a powerful thing, and this is the first time that I've found myself not loving someone because I need them, but needing them because I love them. I have fears and worries... that comes with the territory when you care, and I am always in touch with reality. But I refuse to put those thoughts on him, and instead remind him of the happy things, because I feel that it is my job, and the best thing that I can do, to give him reasons to smile.

An old friend, whose husband is in the Navy, sent me this in an email on Facebook this morning...

Military Girlfriend Motto

"I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card; I am not a "dependent" or parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no gaurantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend. There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions... smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on brief communication where "I love you and I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my head so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch the news, stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by the war. News of everyday casualties causes me physical pain and deep sadness.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please dont forget about me too."

You are my inspiration, my biggest source of emotional support and encouragement... and you and my child are my light. It's my turn to be the same for you and remind you every day that you're here with me, and I'm there with you, as long as you have my heart...

Unconditional Love

Nearly indescribable... a flowing, pulsing, radiating purity... light, warmth, and all that is sweet and giving, and knows no boundaries... it's unconditional - this love - through both joy, tears, everything... and it remains constant, no matter what.

All that you see here, is what I feel and not what I'm see at this moment... it's hard to put down a color, a texture, a shape, or anything visual to describe it... yet it's there, and it's very real.

And it's what I'm sending to my someone special who is far from me right now... with all of my whole heart... all of my spirit... all that I am...

Sight

Put simply, short and sweet: I am a big believer in seeing with my heart, and not my eyes. The heart sees, feels, and knows things, which the eyes can not. When you learn to look with your heart - especially at another person - it's really surprising how your perception changes.

A Prayer

I wish. I hope. I pray. I do it more for those I love than myself, these days. The ones I care for need it more than I do, or at least that is how I feel. I pray for happiness for my child, safety and comfort for my boyfriend while he's away from home, peace of mind for my grandparents... the list goes on.

I found something the other day which led to the creation of this piece. All I can say is that it was instant inspiration. I hope you enjoy both, even if you are not a spiritual person... this one is simply about peace, and whatever it means to you.

"Deep peace I breathe into you, O weariness, here:
O ache, here!
Deep peace, a soft white dove to You;
Deep peace, a quiet rain to you;
Deep peace, an ebbing wave to you!
Deep peace, red wind of the east from you;
Deep peace, grey wind of the west to You;
Deep peace, dark wind of the north from you;
Deep peace, blue wind of the south to you!
Deep peace, pure red of the flame to you;
Deep peace, pure white of the moon to you;
Deep peace, pure green of the grass to you;
Deep peace, pure brown of the earth to you;
Deep peace, pure grey of the dew to you,
Deep peace, pure blue of the sky to you!
Deep peace of the running wave to you,
Deep peace of the flowing air to you,
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you,
Deep peace of the sleeping stones to you!
Deep peace of the Yellow Shepherd to you,
Deep peace of the Wandering Shepherdess to you,
Deep peace of the Flock of Stars to you,
Deep peace from the Son of Peace to you,
Deep peace from the heart of Mary to you,
And from Briget of the Mantle
Deep peace, deep peace!
And with the kindness too of the Haughty Father
Peace!
In the name of the Three who are One,
Peace!
And by the will of the King of the Elements,
Peace! Peace!"

~The Dominion of Dreams : Under a Dark Star - Fiona Macleod - 1895

Time

When I was little, my mother had this tiny five-minute hourglass. Every time I'd be a bug up her butt about going someplace or doing something, she was usually already in the middle of some chore, and "5 more minutes" was a typical request for my patience. I would go find the houglass, sit, and spend the next five minutes watching the sand trickle down at an annoyingly slow pace. Then I'd run back to my mother and bug her again, knowing full well that she probably still had her hands full with her current task.

At 30 years old, I am still a clockwatcher. However, I have learned that even though I can not stand waiting, some things - the important things - are worth waiting for.

Right now, as we speak, I am waiting. Waiting sucks. But, I am waiting for something very important to me. Something worth all of my patience.

When the next six months have finally passed, I will know that he is back home, safe and sound, with "his girls".

And then I'm throwing my hourglass out the window.

Blessings

Blessings...

What needs to be said?

After all the loss, the physical and emotional pain, the night terrors, the fears, the worries, the day to day stressors, the drama, the BS, the health threats, and the hundreds of other negative and scary things that have been thrown my way and which I have endured and persevered through in the last 30 years, I gained a new perspective on something which most people (my age) who I know still haven't got a clue how to do.

I count my blessings.

Every one, every day, and I never go to sleep at night without first thinking of something beautiful in my life, which I have to be grateful for.

As Willie Nelson said: "When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around."

It becomes much fuller, richer, colorful, and meaningful too.

Beginnings

With every ending, something new begins. If I had a penny for every ending...
But then, without those endings, I never would have learned lessons which needed to be learned in order to move forward. Without those endings, I may have clung to outworn and unhealthy things, places, and people, and never would have given something better a chance. Without those endings, I could be right back where I originally started... my first beginning in this life.

Thanks, I'd rather not go there.

Everything that has brought me here, to this point in my life, has had to end in order for me to learn and grow, and to become a better person and to live a better life. It's only now that I'm starting to realize that some endings are blessings in disguise. Without them, things would remain the same. I used to try to resist change as much as possible, mainly out of fear. The only place that got me was a place called Nowhere. It wasn't until my grandmother told me that if I didn't try to let go and stop clinging to the only life I had ever known, then I would never know if there is anything better... there would never be a new beginning.

I am now at a new beginning... a time of renewal, ideas, happiness, and hope. And all that I have endured and lived through so far has given me the tools that I need at this phase. I'd be a liar if I said that I have no fears. Changes can be scary. But I am choosing now to embrace that, keep my heart open, and take another step forward on my path.

The Girl Behind the Butterfly

Just to give a little background info, to begin...

I am 30. I'm a mom, and I though I am not married, I am not single. I always like to get that out there, right in the beginning, because (and please don't take offense to this) the internet is full of creepers who don't seem to understand the meaning of the word "no". I've encountered some very strange people here on the net, and because of that, I am vocal about about having my wishes respected. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who means the world to me. So please, please, please, mind manners. I am not interested in anything other than sharing my thoughts, my art, and my FRIENDSHIP with you.

Continuing on...

Some people have mistakenly thought that I use certain substances and herbs to help me creatively. Ummm... no, I do not do drugs. At all. I don't really even drink anymore. I am a recovering addict, and have been clean for 11 years, and I will always be in recovery. What you do is your business, but just for me, please, no drug references. I would be really appreciative of that.

Life has taken a lot of twists, turns, and has had many rough patches for me, starting from birth. I will not get into any major details, but every now and then, I may make references to certain events and things that have happened to me (this usually happens after what I prefer to call one of my "bad nights"), and will create something that has to do with the feelings which come from those. I also often create pieces which shed light on how far I've traveled from such dark places in my past, and may discuss those. So I would just like to put it out there that if any of you might be triggered by something, I will include in a post title that it may be triggering to certain people, thus giving you the option to avoid it. However, this will not happen often, and I am not one for sharing gory details at all. Just being honest and trying to reassure at the same time.

I am a spiritual person, but as of recently, I am no longer willing to discuss my beliefs with others, outside of what I put into my artwork, due to judgements. I am who I am. I'm not changing for anyone, except for my child in certain aspects. We'll leave it at that. I also do not wish to speak politics, for the same reasons. I have no interest in debates or arguments, and the heated temperments of others is often very upsetting to me. I do not dig being yelled at and seeing the whole finger-pointing thing. I'm told I come across as tough, but I am also a very sensitive and emotional person. I am at my best when things around me remain at peace.

My artwork is a part of me, and if you can figure out how to read it correctly, you can learn a lot about me through it -- my past, my present, my future... hopes and fears, emotions, personality... and even the things I see when I close my eyes at night and dream. This post is just a starting point, and you will learn more and see more with time.

As I post new entries, I will include a photo of the piece I am working on, and will write about it and what is going on within me at that time.

I hope you enjoy this blog, and my artwork, and will share your own thoughts and feelings in the comment section (please don't forget to click on the link to follow me if you like this blog), as well as on my art page: The Butterfly Chaser

Thanks to all who have been so supportive and encouraging on this part of my journey. It means a lot to me.

Butterfly Chasing

At 30 years old, and entering a new phase in my life, I'm only just now discovering who I am and what I'm meant to do with myself. All that I thought I knew about myself before has changed with time. It's been a rough road... very rough... but I feel like every moment, even the really bad ones, were all worth it. It all brought me to where I am now.

I'm imperfect, constantly learning and growing, and I'm cool with that. I have learned to count my blessings, to take nothing for granted, and that it's better to be a conqueror than a survivor. I take each day as it comes, force nothing, find something beautiful to be grateful for each day, and I love those around me fiercely.

I am a butterfly chaser... literally and metaphorically. I delight in their presence, and all that they represent symbolically and spiritually. Transformation is an amazing and beautiful journey.

My art reflects every part of who I am inside... the real Samantha... and all that has made me who I am.